Unwedded Bliss

Being one of those happily engaged (swoon! at the romance) but really can't quite make the extra effort and do the deed type of people, I spend literally minutes of my time working out if there is a good way to finally make Sidekick an honest man. Options include:


* The "Registry Office Number". Get married to the strains of your chosen deeply cheesy ballad (I'd suggest "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica for preference) and allow the most important day of your life to be presided over by Betty, who's put on her best hot pink polyester skirt suit. She'll list your vows in a voice that somehow manages to drip sarcasm, saccharine sweetness and boredom in equal amounts. This is legally binding. And she'll make sure you know it.


* The "We wrote all the vows ourselves" wedding. Speaks for itself, really. I'd recommend stealing Jonathan Safran Foer's words from "Everything Is Illuminated" along the lines of some very worthwhile promises (I will refill the toilet paper holder, I will allow you to have the last word in every third argument, after you have given up hope of ever seeing me do the washing up, you will come home to discover that the draining board is empty, etc) rather than listing just how much you looooove your other half. Of course you do, but there are bound to be cynics at the wedding, and providing 80+ (colour co-ordinated and stylish, possibly avant guarde) sick bags may prove a budget breaker. Mr SF's site

* The "Druidic Rune-Fest". Still, at this point, a winner for me, owing to my conviction that my father would disapprove mightily. Childish I know, but I am the youngest, and therefore genetically most likely to disappoint. Hire a long haired aging hippy chap to make the incantations, dress like an extra from the Rohan set of LOTR, and force all of your friends and family to join together in blessing your marriage in an empty field somewhere "celtic". Note: check for bovines before beginning. They can become almost terrifyingly curious once they get over being startled.

* The "Piss off abroad and avoid having anyone you know watch". Good for those who want to combine sun, sea and strong liquor, with absolutely not under any circumstances spending any time or cash on Great Auntie Ethel. Bit of a cop-out really. Suffering the presence of your family is an integral part of any wedding. And you know that foreign food doesn't agree with you. Ever since you were a kid you've got the runs every time you're away from the house for a night...sorry, I've slipped into mother mode. See? You cannot escape, no matter how much you want to.

* The "We've got an obsession and we are not afraid to blackmail you into taking part" celebration. Suggest on the invitation that anyone not wearing a really excellent Star Wars costume will not be allowed in, and have all the hymns translated into Wookiee. Aren't you a little short for a wedding guest?

So there is my dilemma. Anyone got a better idea, let me know. The time it takes me to come to a decision, I'll be away the crow road before I get to be a Mrs. Pity. I've got a dress pattern ready to sew and everything....